It took some cojones to walk into the New York Fencers Club for the first time yesterday, even if I do say so myself. First of all, I had terrible clothes. I know, guys aren’t supposed to care about that stuff, but I suspect that’s crap. Also, I live in New York, for chrissakes. So I was not happy about taking the subway in a stupid pair of cotton kung fu pants that are gathered at the ankles, with a really stupid pair of Nike Air Tailwinds that I bought because I succumbed to the clerk’s reverse snobbery at the running shoe store about how I should get these shoes for the cushioning even though they look really dumb.

So I walk in, feeling stupid, and the place is full of wiry sixteen-year-olds, and suddenly I realize how long it’s been since I was really and truly out of my comfort zone. I’ve been taking kung fu for about six weeks now, but I did a lot of martial arts in college, and I know the cliques pretty well, so that wasn’t too scary. I’ve been doing some ballroom dancing with Kate, too, which can get pretty comical, but I’m used to that too, I guess. So suddenly, I’m dealing with a Genuine Introvert Moment.

I lived, of course, though I did not triumph: I finally talked to one of the Ukranian coaches, who told me that they couldn’t find a teacher for the Sunday Adult Beginner class, so there were no Sunday classes. I pointed out, huffily, that their website advertises the Sunday class, and they should take the ad down, but everyone just looked at me blankly. So I hauled down my colors and beat a retreat, Air Tailwinds squeaking on the linoleum floor.

Tonight, I check out the Martinez Academy of Arms, despite the direct and impassioned pleas I have received to the contrary:

• From Tiffany Potter-Chiles: “At the
  MARTINEZ ACADEMY OF ARMS, Andy Baiman’s hair alone
  would leave me laughing so hard I’d trip and end up with an epe�
  up my nose.”
  
• From Kate: “OH MY GOD! Cyborgs– please!! Go NOWHERE NEAR the Freaky Freaks!!!!! I am warning you!”
  

I had an epiphany while watching the pilot of the new WB Superman prequel, “Smallville“, the other night. The epiphany was this:

In the movies, and on TV, rich people always prance around their mansions with fencing outfits on, fencing with each other. They then tear their masks off either angrily (foreshadowing: the character is evil, and will do whatever it takes to get what they want), or with a big shampoo-commercial cascade of hair (foreshadowing: the character is a spoiled bombshell who kicks a huge amount of ass.) In “Smallville”, young Lex Luthor tore his mask off in style #1, naturally.

Here’s my theory about why the fencing scene is so popular: A fencing scene shows the oak-paneled interior that the location scouts worked so hard to find; it shows the rich asshole in question being combative, which always is useful for foreshadowing, and it’s cheaper to film than a horseback riding scene. (Plus, with the full-face masks, directors could use body doubles for the actual fencing. I bet that doubles come cheap, and I bet they have their own equipment. Plus, you don’t have to teach the lead actors to ride horses, or try to find an exterior shot full of rich-person grass and trees.)

So, needless to say, I’m gonna take some fencing classes in the winter, so I can eventually prance around my study, tear off my mask angrily, and throw my foil so hard that it sticks in the wall.

Should I take the “real” swordfighting classes, that teach historical fencing (no namby-pamby electrical vests)? Or the sporting variety of fencing? The sporting type of club probably has fewer members who are also in the Society for Creative Anachronism. Kate has been teasing me mercilessly about all the new SCA friends I’ll make, and about what a good time I can have wearing floppy velvet hats to the Renaissance festival.

Maybe the best way to choose is to look at the faculty. I need your help! Take a look at the faculty at both clubs, and let me know what you think. I’ll go take classes at the school you choose!

• Option 1: Freaky Freaks at the Martinez Academy of Arms.
  
• Option 2: Ukranian Cyborgs at the Fencer’s Club of New York.
  

I’ve been remiss in my Blog postings, so I didn’t write about the karaoke bar that the legendary Todd Pugsley took me to on Friday night. Actually, his new girlfriend Phong took both of us. When I hear the phrase “karaoke bar”, I think of a Jersey-style pub setup, with a microphone machine next to the pool table, and where folks with tight acidwashed jeans and cheap bomber jackets get up to sing “Livin’ on a Prayer.” This place was completely different — a front desk, a small bar, and a long hallway with doors on either side. Behind each door, a room — maybe 10′ by 12′ — holding a low table, industrial-strength stereo, wraparound couches, and two big televisions.

The room was crammed with young Vietnamese undergraduates in party dresses, and their boyfriends in black turtleneck sweaters and leather Vanson jackets. Far from singing Jersey’s Greatest Hits, they were concentrating on ballads — Air Supply and Journey. The computer would identify each song briefly by number before showing the title: “65-002”, and the biggest karaoke junkies in the room would say “oh, I love this song!”, because they knew them all by number as well as name.

I sang. Guns ‘N Roses, because I don’t know the words to “Endless Love.” It was embarassing. ‘Nough said.

Don’t Panic

This is reassuring. It was posted by my namesake, cryptologist John Young. (other John Youngs).

The “Real” Deal about Nuclear, Bio, and Chem Attacks:

Since the media has decided to scare everyone with predictions of chemical, biological, or nuclear warfare on our turf I decided to write a paper and keep things in their proper perspective. I am a retired military weapons, munitions, and training expert…
   >> more

[My employer] had its yearly Volunteer Day yesterday; this year, all 350 or so staffers in the New York office piled onto four charter buses and rode two hours to Camp Sussex in northwestern New Jersey. Along with my co-worker Kyle Smith, I captained the scoreboard team. Our mission was to design and construct a two-sided, three-function scoreboard for baseball, basketball, and hockey. Drawing on Kyle’s experience stealing materials from construction sites to build half-pipes in his backyard, and my experience making hellaciously overbuilt “bombproof” lofts in college, we designed a miniature Green Monster that took nine people to lift into position.

My friend Tim Griffin won the laurels for “best gear” — which, in a group full of well-paid geeks, is saying something. The night before volunteer day, Tim visited Home Depot and bought the Cordless Power Tool Uber-Kit, consisting of two cordless drills, a cordless circular saw, a cordless orbital sander, router, planer, flashlight, and rotary grinding tool. He showed up in a hard hat, work belt and suspenders, and kneepads, all shiny and brand-new. Tim is now playing in the big leagues of woodworking, and you can see the adulation he got in the slideshow above.

The best decision I made all day was to put the User Interface Team in charge of painting the white lines and inning numbers. You can see the state of almost mathematical perfection they reached (working at what would have been a combined billing rate of about $1,500.00 per hour!)

If you want to see more pictures, here are some links: