From “A Field Guide to North American Christmas Trees”:

Engleman Spruce (Picea Doloris Excrutiata):
Similar in color to the Blue Spruce (Picea Pungens). Tall, upright appearance. Ravenously, unbelievably sharp, four-sided needles that pierce the soft, unsuspecting palms of suburban dads who work computers for a living and forget to bring gloves to the cut-your-own christmas tree farm. Trunk, especially, covered with short, needle-like barbs to punish the unprepared.

The Engleman Spruce is favored by hard-bitten, Bronte-like Christmas-tree farm owners who thrive on the bitter tears of the soft and the weak.

  • Size at eight years: 7-10′
  • Identifying characteristics of tree: Starbucks-fogged shrieks of pain; angry red welts on hand and forearm; rolling eyes of spouse; delighted toddler chuckles.”
  • Official soundtrack of the Engleman Spruce

One response to “From “A Field Guide to North American Christmas Trees”:”

  1. There was a dull thunk, followed by a swooshing sound and then a thud. My wife looked at me in alarm. I sprang from the car to survey the damage.


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