Starting weight: 230 lbs
Target weight: 185 lbs
Current weight: 222 lbs
De-re-bigulation in progress
Overall de-bigulation: 18% complete



So each fifty calories, or each twelve grams of fat, in a food comprises one Weight Watchers “point”, according to their sekrit formula. (I reverse-engineered their Javascript, but it turns out that you can just read their patent application.) This is an open secret; I mention it simply to be able to point out that it’s not much. A slice of bread is two points, fer Chrissakes. Bread. Two points.

The more weight you lose, the more Weight Watchers’ implacable software reduces your target point total. Just this morning, I saw the good news that my new year’s fatty assault is working so far. Hurrah! But I get the news that, were I to offend Cardinal Richielieu and get thrown in some kind of dank, nitred French dungeon, I’d now have to eat only some of the delicious crusty bread they throw into my oubliette each day, otherwise I’d come out at the end of fifty years as soft and middle manager-y as I went in.

Damn you, Weight Watchers, cruel taksmasters! Damn you, Richielieu, and your delicious crusty French bread (2 points/restaurant slice), maybe with some butter (1 point/tsp), or some olive oil for dipping (1 point/tsp)!