UWG LOAN PROGRAM FINDS ITS CALIBAN
The Ultimate Water Gun has had a busy spring this year — so far, it’s been to Seaworld San Antonio, had an article written about it in the Houston Chronicle, and is currently on loan to a Methodist youth minister. The Ultimate Water Gun Loan Program allows those whose cause is worthy to borrow the gun, promising to send back pictures on its return.
The requests are reviewed by the Ultimate Water Gun Council of Elders, who help me review the heartfelt pleas that come in, ranging from the mild and milquetoast-y to the borderline felonious. The Elders and I got a request from a young punk in Salem, Virginia named Jeremy Justice, who fulfilled all the five-star requirements for a borrower — megalomaniacal tendencies, Sex Pistols lyrics (Jeremy, in fact, composed his own song), the whole nine yards. You can see his request here.
The elders were unsure, however, if Jeremy would follow through, send pictures, and return the gun, so we set him a challenge:
Jeremy, your request pleases and intrigues the elders. You seem to be a warrior born, with a preternatural sense of adventure. But we feel a test is necessary. Seeing as most Gorgons are long dead and buried, your test will be one of steely-eyed humility. Go at once to your local Hecht�s department store and proceed to the �Women�s Intimate Apparel� section. There, you must don their finest chiffon robe and/or camisole (pink preferably). You must then parade around like a ninny and send the Council documentation of said event. Once done, the UWG will be yours to do with as you please. Your enemies will quake and your friends will stand in awe of you majesty. So, make haste, young Jeremy. The Council awaits proof of your mettle.
Suffice it to say that Jeremy came through in style — capering in JC Penney’s, humping the mannequins in Hecht’s, bothering the salespeople while arrayed in chiffon, following the pretty girls, dropping trou on his truck. I, and all the other members of the UWG Council of Elders, expect great things from Jeremy Justice’s tenure as the keeper of the gun.