That apharesis machine is one bad motherf— (shut your mouth!)

I gave leukocytes this morning, spending two hours on the two-arm donor machine. The two-arm machine takes blood from one arm, processes it, then returns it to the other arm, which makes it impossible to scratch your nose.

The one-arm machine is more convenient — it takes your blood and returns it through a single needle. It seems that only people with big, brawny veins can use the one-arm machine, though. The last time I tried it, the machine complained every fifteen seconds about “low intake pressure”, forcing the phlebotomist to push “continue” over and over again. While she pushed the button, she soothed me with reassuring patter: “If your vein too small, this machine tear it UP! Rip your vein all to pieces!”

So this time, I used the two-arm machine, and it didn’t complain at all. Neither did I.

I felt a little woozy afterwards, but that could have been from two armless hours of Good Morning America and Live With Regis and Cyndi From Disneyland. When Tony Danza tried to play the cornet, everything stopped in the blood collection room, and everyone shook their heads sadly.